Rug burns and realty.

Often times in sitcoms, raunchy comedy movies, and of course porn we see situations unfold in front of a character that makes us laugh and sarcastically say “Yeah right, because people REALLY act like that in real life”.  Sometimes those situations do happen, but never in an as over-the-top manor as in the movie. Today I had a situation play out in such a way that I felt like the target on an episode of Punk’d. I am currently in the process of apartment/house shopping and I found myself this morning in a real estate office picking up keys to go view a potential house. This is where I met Hannah. Hannah does not get an alias, it’s her real name (as far as I know) but since I don’t know her or any of the same people as her I have no reason to guard her identity. While the receptionist at the realtor’s office was looking for the keys to the places I wanted to check out, Hannah walked in fumbling her cell phone, purse, and a mess of keys and dropped everything on the counter.

Hannah: I drove all over and I can’t find this place, can you tell me how to get there?

Receptionist: I will see if I can find it, let me finish getting this gentleman his keys.

Me: Which properties are you looking at? I’ve been to a few already.

Hannah: These four right here. (She pointed out the places on the rental list)

Me: I am going to two of those myself. I know where the others are though, I used to live nearby them.

Hannah: Seriously?! Is it hidden underground or is there a secret passage somewhere? I can’t find them and my GPS sucks.

Me: If you’d like you can follow me and I’ll take you right to it.

Hannah: That’d be amazing! Where else are you looking? Maybe we could just carpool?

Hannah and I compared our lists and places we had looked already and what we did and didn’t like about them and after the office squared away what they needed too we headed on our way, both riding in my car. She looked at the radio station and over-enthusiastically said “Yes! You listen to rock!” So she cranks up the radio and sings along with a song or two, fully rocking an air guitar. Then Freebird came on. That is when the crazy started to really show. She proceeded to tell me a story about her mom. Not just any story mind you, but the story of how her mom wrote the guitar lead to Freebird while hanging out with Jimmi Hendrix and dropping acid.  The story as she told it goes like this. Hannah’s mom was sitting in the living area of a hotel suite dropping acid with Hendrix and smoking a joint when a man walked out of the bedroom that had just been ripped off by a hooker. Hannah’s mom was riffing on the guitar and wrote the guitar solo to Freebird. The man was jealous of how well Hannah’s mom played the guitar, so he took it from her and beat her with it right in front of Jimmi Hendrix who was in a purple haze apparently because he sat by stared off into space. The man sold the song he stole (and obviously remembered after hearing it one time by ear) to Johnny Van Zant who turned it into the song we all know today as Freebird. Janis Joplin caught this all on video from an outside window. Hannah supposedly watched the video, which has since mysteriously disappeared. I promise you that this girl had the straightest face and utmost amount of seriousness while telling me this story. She truly believed every word of it. There was legit pain in her eyes while talking about her mom getting beaten with the guitar. I kept my eyes on the road so that I wouldn’t look at her and burst out laughing at the absurdity of the story.

So we get to the first place and go in to look around and Hannah walks straight into the bedroom and starts dancing. So I follow behind and stand in the doorway.

Me: Are you planning on putting a bed in here? Or just keeping the dance floor?

Hannah: I do all my best dancing in the bedroom.

Me: Where do you do your worst dancing?

Hannah: Wal-Mart…

Hannah: (Stops dancing and makes a pouty face) This house doesn’t work for me, it’s not cozy.

I agreed. The house felt cold and unwelcoming. So we moved on to the next place down the road. Hannah walked in and instantly laid down on the carpet and started mimicking the motion for snow angels.

Hannah: This is much more comfortable feeling. Come down here.

Me: Carpet does make the place feel more cozy. (I lay down and put my hands under my head)

Hannah: It’s really weird isn’t it?

Me: You mean that stain on the roof?

Hannah: No, it’s weird that they just give you the keys to these places for a whole 24 hours, like seriously we could camp out here tonight free of charge.

Me: I’m sure people come to maintain the properties, not to mention other people who come and view them; they have multiple sets of keys.

Hannah: What if we were in here having sex?

Me: We’d be getting rug burn.

Hannah: No, like, what if people were just coming to this place to get keys to a free room to have sex in. Sure beats paying for a hotel.

Me:  Sounds like a lot of work, but I’ve never been the type to bring a girl to a hotel room anyway.

Hannah: Hotel rooms are boring. But something like this is exciting. Don’t you just want to defile a place like this and then bring the keys back like nothing ever happened?

Me: I can’t say it crossed my mind until you brought it up.

Hannah: But it’s on your mind now. You want to do it now, because it sounds hot.

Me: Aside from the rug burn it doesn’t sound too bad.

Hannah: Do you want to? Like, right now?

Me: Are you fucking with me?

Hannah: No way, it’s way too hot of an experience to pass up.

Me: I’m all about having a good story to tell.

Hannah: Do you have a condom?

Me: In the car.

Hannah: I can be naked by the time you come back in.

I walked out to my car almost in disbelief. Hannah got in my car less than ten minutes after we had met. It had only been twenty or thirty minutes since then and Hannah was nuding up for a mid-day sex romp in a vacant house. I’d like to think that Hannah was a perfectly normal girl with an adventurous side just like myself, acting purely impulse and the desire to make a fun memory; but after her Freebird story I had to question if she just wasn’t slightly off her rocker. I got a condom from the car and walked back in, convincing myself that her eccentric actions and storytelling were just her way of having fun and fucking with me. Hannah wasn’t in the living room, but her clothes were. I walked into the master bedroom to find Hannah completely naked laying on the floor in snow angel form again.

Hannah: Yay a condom! Can I ask you something?

Me:  You’re a bit hard to say no to at the moment.

Hannah: You ever want to try stuff but you’re afraid of what the other person will think?

Me: Yeah, but I usually just ask anyway, worst they can do is say no.

Hannah: (standing up) I want you to cum on my face.

Me: I can do that.

Hannah: and I want to put the condom on you, but you can’t watch me do it.

Me: Ok?

Hannah: and I want you to tell me how this feels…

Hannah stepped close to me as though she were going to kiss me, and then licked and nibbled on my ear for a moment. It felt good in its own sexy way, but nothing too special. She stepped back and looked for a reaction.

Hannah: I want to eat a pussy one day, and that’s the way I’m going to do it.

Me: You’ve got a nice method; you need me to hook you up with some girls that swing that way?

Hannah: Oh no, I’m going to need to be drunk for that. Plus you and I won’t be seeing each other again after today.

Me: So we’re not exchanging numbers I guess?

Hannah: That would take all of the fun out of this.

Hannah dropped down to her knees and unbuttoned my pants. I guess she was tired of talking. She pulled my pants and boxers down and waited for me to step out of them, then looked up at me for a second before taking it into her mouth. She stopped almost as fast as she started and said “We’ll get back to that later, where is the condom?” I handed it over and she instructed me to close my eyes. I obliged. Hannah slid the condom on using her mouth, and then looked to me for a nod of approval, which she got. Sex with Hannah was like participating in porn. Instead of rolling from one position into another or moving into the next position on impulse, Hannah had it all planned out. We would go for a couple of minutes one way before she would stop and say “Ok, now let’s try it this way”. It was obvious that Hannah had these ideas brewing in her head for a while and had so far been unable or unwilling to give them a shot. After trying a few minutes in several positions that I don’t know names of we settled into a nice rhythm with her laying on her side and me on kneeling over one of her legs and her other leg up against my shoulder. This position seemed to drive her nuts, because while she moaned a bit in most other positions, she was moaning loudly for this one and began to cum after only 2 minutes of it. She caught her breathe and asked “Are you ready to cum on my face?” I told her I wasn’t ready yet and wanted to try something first. I commented on her flexibility and then had her lay on her back and pushed her legs back until her knees were touching her shoulders. We went at it at this position and I couldn’t help but look down and watch. This position was really doing it for me, I was getting close to cumming after just a minute or so. It worked well for her too, because just as I got ready to stop I could feel her quivering a bit and I pushed on until she began to cum again, still hesitant, trying not to finish too early before I could give her the finish she asked for, the finish that I was dying to give her myself. I laid back and caught my breathe, as did she. The toll of the different positions was reminiscent of working on all the different equipment at the gym in a short time. She sat up and looked at me and said “Now are you ready to cum on my face?” I took the condom off and tossed it aside and told her she could start working towards it. She laid on her stomach and said “Ok, but when we’re getting close you have to stand up for it”. She went straight into the blowjob, and even it felt more like porno than a typical blowjob. I stood up as promised towards the end and gave her what she had been asking for. I don’t know if she expected it to be glamorous or sexy or what her expectations were, but she got worst case scenario. Some shot up her nose, some pooled up over her closed eyes, some got in her hair, and the rest dripped off her cheeks and chin onto her chest. It was truly one of the larger shots I’ve shot. To top it off we hadn’t thought about the lack of towels and tissue paper. I went out to the car and got some fast food napkins while Hannah lied naked on the floor covered in cum.

I walked back in and handed Hannah the napkins.

Hannah: I have no dignity in this moment.

Me: Any regrets?

Hannah: None of those either.

Me: Was it everything you expected it to be?

Hannah: Sort of, it was really warm when it hit my face.

We continued looking at the last couple of houses after that as though we were the polite strangers that we were merely hours before. We joked and laughed, and while she shared a couple more stories they seemed less insane than her story about her mom. We got back to the realty office and turned in our keys and I walked Hannah back out to her car.

Me: So that’s that right? No attempts to see each other again?

Hannah: God no. “I had hot dirty sex on the floor of an empty house with a complete stranger” sounds better than “I met this new guy today and we fucked like an hour later, but we’re going to hang out again as soon as this rug burn heals”

Me: I’m just going to tell my friends I had some help picking out a place today. It was dirty work, but we really got down and pounded out the details. The whole process really brought you to your knees, but once we got there I could see the excitement all over your face.

Hannah: You think you’re funny huh?

Me: I think you think I’m funny.

Hannah: On that note, I am going to go. I had fun house hunting with you today.

Me: Hey Hannah? The story about your mom…

Hannah: True story.